Arrivederci
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: When Zabuza was a kid, he was prophesied to find a treasure of legendary prowess. As an adult, he thinks prophecies are nothing but a steaming pile of bovine excreta. Suigetsu and an adventure conspire to change his mind.


**Arrivederci **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: Dedicated to Liah, the lovely lady who rendered me a favor of some significance ages ago. Like, MAY. **

**THIS WAS SUCH A BITCH TO WRITE. But so worth it. :D**

**Such is life. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

The pigeons hung from the naked apple tree like plump grey fruit. Braving the possibility of getting crapped on, Zabuza stood under it and thought about how much he hated prophecies.

The sun slid across a fraction of the sky and Zabuza stood for nearly an hour, waiting for his tardy date. The date in question was not a romantic one, and to find out why Zabuza was waiting for her, we have to turn back the pendulum a bit.

000

The Momochi boy had been positively haunted by prophecies since before his birth. The first one had been the most troublesome one. A fortnight before his mother was to deliver him; a soothsayer named Kisame came around to the palatial mansion to offer his hoary lies. Such men were normally turned away from the Momochi lands, but this man had been _**blue **_and very…persuasive. He'd fought his way to the bedchambers of the lady of the house and told her a fantastic story about her unborn child.

Sometimes Zabuza imagined he was present at the scene. His mother, Osei-sama, struggling to open her striking eyes as the oversized man boomed at the foot of her bed.

"The world will herald a glorious son, a son you shall have the privilege of calling your own! A son who is to play a part in the shaping of this country's future! He will embark on an adventure to find the greatest treasure a man can know—and he will bring it back here where! And it will bring about change in the land, and we! Shall! Be! _**Invincible.**_"

Zabuza's mother was drawn to Kisame like an Alexandra to a Rasputin. From that moment on the soothsayer had a prophecy for every damn event in the boy's life. His first step, his first word, his first time masturbating, even—all had occurred on dates set, as Kisame put it, by fate.

Needless to say, Zabuza hated the mad old bastard.

000

To return to the pigeon infested apple tree, and the man standing under it, we follow the path of a stooped crone that is making her way to him.

Her hair was a dazzling white and her cracked face held wisdom in every nook and cranny. Stimulated caramel eyes glittered creepily as her sack of a robe whipped itself into frenzy in the biting wind that had sprung up from nowhere.

Tsunade, the wind witch.

Her prowess was renowned throughout seven kingdoms, and she'd been recommended to Zabuza by Kisame fifteen years ago. In the intervening years between then and now the proud son of the land of Mist had refused point blank to take the advice of the prophet. But now that his thirty-fifth birthday had whirled by in a flurry of misery, and the evasive treasure proved to be just that, he thought it was time to kick his pride in the balls and take any available lead.

000

When his parents found out that their son was expected to do some pretty spiffy stuff in his life time, they considerately enrolled him in a samurai academy where he would hopefully learn most of what he needed to know about chivalry and adventuring. (The fact that these two concepts seemed at loggerheads with each other most of the time was loudly ignored). When Zabuza was eleven, he quietly slipped away from under the watchful eye of his headmaster and joined the ninja academy on the next mountain over and learned the art of murder from some of the best in the business.

000

"Move along, baa-chan" the world's oldest child prodigy told the world's most beautiful witch when she held her hands out to him pleadingly, "I don't even have a crust of bread on me to give you, and there's going to be a witch here soon."

The crone laughed like he was the second coming of Charlie Chaplin. Zabuza frowned. He didn't appreciate laughter at his expense.

000

It hadn't taken long for his parents to hear of their child's sudden switch in professions. At first his father tried to force him back to the samurai academy; but Zabuza was a stubborn_** pig**_, and so he stuck with the ninjas. Two years later he graduated, the youngest acolyte ever to get his silver headband.

It was a little girlish, but what the hell. That headband was going to help him find this treasure like the code of honor shit they taught at the samurai school never would.

000

Tsunade shook her head, and her age fell away from her in silver strands of tinsel. The wind roared through Zabuza's hair, and he tightened his grip on the great beheading that Kisame had gifted him: the only gift Zabuza had accepted.

Because damn, it was a big sword. And it was sharp. And…_**big. **_

Of course, he hadn't known at the time how many "wow, what're you compensating for with that thing?" jokes would follow, and how many people he'd have to maim before the word spread that Momochi Zabuza had no sense of humor.

"What the _**hell,**_" he muttered. He knew precisely what the hell it was—who the hell she was—but it felt good to say it.

"Tsunade," Tsunade said, "Wind witch. Kisame sent word a while ago. Fifteen years ago. Running late, aren't you?"

"Shit came up," he replied unapologetically.

The wind witch nodded as if _shit came up_ all the time and curled a finger at the ninja adventurer. He took a tentative step forward and she threw a length of green cotton at him. "Blindfold yourself," she ordered, and he obliged.

"Follow the sound of my voice."

"I guess you don't want anyone knowing where exactly you live, huh?" Zabuza grunted as he groped his way through the trees in her wake.

"It doesn't matter to me who knows where I live; I can fight off any uninvited guests. I'm just being a bitch to you."

"Being a bitch how—ow!" the man dropped to his knees and nursed his stubbed toe. "Damn it!"

"That's how," Tsunade said, and Zabuza decided that he hated her just like he hated most of the rest of the world.

000

The young Momochi boy had grown quickly and grown happy enough with his lot in life—at first. He may have resented Kisame's consistent presence in his life, but he didn't think it was possible for it to be any other way.

And then he'd turned twenty.

His parents had walked him to the door and cut him loose just a few requisite words of farewell. Kisame had lingered a bit more and entrusted the beheading sword into Zabuza's care.

Being young and stupid, the boy had to ask. "Can't I have Sameheda?"

Being old and wise, the man had to laugh. "Sure. When you pry it from my cold dead fingers."

000

Tsunade lived in a fucking _**cottage.**_

"I thought witches lives in run down palaces and towers with single windows?"

"It's all passé," the woman said and she shucked off her robe neatly. With it went almost all hints that this woman was the same hag that had approached him at the apple trees. Tsunade now looked like a busty twenty five year old blonde babe—except for the eyes. The crystallized amber of their irises told her real age, but Zabuza was too caught up in himself to read the number there. "It's also ridiculously hard to maintain, and the real estate agents who sell them are real pains in the ass. No, a cottage is much more to my taste."

Zabuza picked up a bowl of goat cheese. "Its just so…_Heidi._" Tsunade snapped her lacquered fingers under the man's nose angrily. "Hey, you wanna keep doing that? Making a witch mad? Keep at it. I'll turn your pathetic excuse for manhood into a popsicle."

He scowled and opened his mouth to argue, but his penis told him to shut the fuck up, because who wants to have sex with a popsicle?

(No, don't tell me. That was a rhetorical question, damn it!)

Tsunade rummaged in a few shelves stocked with things Zabuza really didn't want to know about and brought out a basketball sized crystal orb.

"Fortune telling?" the ninja sneered, "Spare me. I've had enough of that bullshit to last me a lifetime." Ignoring him for his own good, the witch bade him sit and mulled over the blank ball for a bit, and then looked him in the eye.

"Momochi Zabuza. Your reputation precedes you, boy, did you know that?"

"Flattered to be heard of," Zabuza said in bored tone. Fifteen years of banging about without house or farm tended to get one in some sticky situations. And when you worm your way out of said sticky situations with the ingenuity and total badassery that Zabuza so frequently exhibited, a lot of magazines wanted to put you on their cover.

(Provided you're photogenic, of course. No one likes an ugly face.)

Tsunade ignored him some more and stared into the glassy orb for a bit longer, and then slumped back in her chair as if taken aback at the sheer volume of facts in the world.

"Well, I know what it is that you're looking for," she said, "And I can tell you where to go. But you're going to need a weapon when you get there."

Zabuza coughed politely and gave his beheading sword a pointed look. Tsunade waved her hand impatiently at him. "A different kind of weapon."

"How much will it cost?" the man asked warily. Witches in his experience tended to demand first born children and souls. He didn't really care about the former; he didn't intend to fuck up the world with _**his **_progeny, but he had a feeling he'd need his soul in the future.

The witch he was talking to pulled out a bottle of sake and tipped small quantities into two cups. She pushed one towards him and mused over his question. "I'm not sure, but probably a lecture. And bearing with mildly pissing off company."

"I don't get it."

"Men rarely do," she said, sighing the sigh of a bra burning feminist. "I can tell you where to go. But what you need you'll get from a man named Jiraiya."

"Jiraiya," Zabuza deadpanned, "The legendary hermit? He's been missing for years. What makes you think I'll find him?"

"I'll tell you where he is," she grinned. The ninja stared and she grinned ever wider.

"I used to sleep with him before he got the wart, and we worked together for a while before that. You wanna know where to find Jiraiya?"

"That'd be nice, yeah."

"It'll cost you the sword."

Zabuza stared. "The sword? _**My **_sword?"

"No. Kisame's sword. He only lent it to you and I'm pretty sure he meant for me to have it because he told you to come to me and he knows I've had my eye on it for years."

"What do you want a beheading sword for?" Zabuza asked incredulously, "You're a witch! You can behead with magic!"

"For all you should care, I wanna shave my legs with it. Just leave the sword and take the map."

"What map?"

The witch threw him a scathing look and then looked at the table. He followed her gaze.

"Right, that map." He stood up and grabbed the paper. "I'll just let myself out, then."

000

His final destination was marked on the map, but there was a footnote bringing his attention to a small motel on the way there. Apparently it was a good idea to spend the night at this place.

Maybe it was because the sword wasn't there, but he felt a little less argumentative than he really would have. He took the witch's advice and had checked into the motel before he wondered if it was a spell that had made him so willing to follow her orders.

"You'll have to share with someone sir," the harassed looking receptionist told him, "We're a bit stretched at the moment."

"Stretched?" Zabuza asked incredulously, "You're a motel in the middle of nowhere! How many people could possibly staying here tonight?"

"It's exactly that, sir," the receptionist sweated, "Being so out of the way we've never had more than two guests at a time, and so we cut down costs and bettered service by reducing the place to only two guest suites. They're beautiful, and tonight they're both booked. You'll be sharing with the gentleman—the other is occupied by a lady."

"What's her name?" Zabuza asked suspiciously, expecting to hear that the wind witch was following him.

The receptionist considered his ledger. "Shizune, sir," he said. Zabuza shrugged and headed upstairs to his room.

000

"Mother fucking ow!"

The teenager had pale, mint green hair the likes of which the ninja had never seen. The softly glowing sconces on the wall dazzled their glow off his head and Zabuza was momentarily too stunned by how _**shiny **_his head was to notice the teen's face.

More to the point, the teen's teeth.

"Holy shit," Zabuza said, "I'm rooming with the son of a shark."

Suigetsu threw a baleful glare his way before turning back to the cause of his misery. A dainty mirror lay broken at his feet and one jagged edge was lodged in his toe. He hopped to the bed and gingerly pried the piece out.

"God damn it, that hurts," he muttered, and then spared Zabuza another glance. The ninja dropped his satchel on the bed and looked for a place to lean his sword before remembering that he didn't have it with him anymore.

"You're sharing with me?" Suigetsu asked, "So you're splitting the cost of the room too, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Don't guess, man, be certain about it. Fuck," he added as he slapped a towel to his foot, staunching the blood flow, "That stings."

Zabuza rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'm splitting the cost of the room."

"I'm Suigetsu," Suigetsu introduced himself, "I'm from the land of the Mist."

The adventurer perked up at that. "Mist country? Huh. I've got a few friends in that neck of the woods. Haven't been to see them in forever. How's it like now?"

Suigetsu shrugged. "Hard to say. I've been on the road for the last four years."

Zabuza boggled at him. "What? Why?"

The teen winced as he pulled his feet up underneath him, bloodying the sheets. "I'm looking for my brother," he said, "An adventurer named Zabuza."

"He doesn't have a brother," the adventurer named Zabuza said.

"Not that he knows of," Suigetsu corrected, "Our parents adopted me shortly after he left the kingdom. I guess I was insurance or something—in case he never came back. Well, he didn't. So when I turned fifteen, they threw me out and told me to bring him back. They seemed to think ten years was plenty long enough to find treasure if there was any to be found."

The man without the sword did some quick calculations in his head that took longer than calculations in a thirty five year old's head should, and said, "Bullshit. If you're nineteen now, you would've been at least four years old when Zabuza left."

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. "I was. That's when Lady Osei and Lord Momochi adopted me."

Zabuza thought about it. If this kid was to be believed, his parents were perfectly content to accept that their son wasn't destined for greatness. And he knew, after all the time and effort they'd put into preparing him for this monumental task, that it was probably a tough blow. If he told Suigetsu who he was—because by some quirk of luck and no doubt extreme stupidity on the boy's part, Suigetsu didn't seem to recognize who he was talking to—then he could go back to the Mist country. Maybe that was why Tsunade had wanted him to come here? Because she knew that he wasn't the man for the job, because she just wanted his sword and for him to get back home safely?

"Have they gotten rid of the soothsayer?" he asked Suigetsu. The kid went glassy eyed with adoration.

"Kisame?" he said, "Oh man, no way. That man is the shit. He really knows, dude. He knows the future. He told me I was going to have an explosive love life. At first I thought it meant my boyfriend was going to be into bombs and shit, and I spent nearly a year trying to seduce this guy, Deidara? Yeah, he's sexy—and then Kisame told me no, that's not what he meant. He means I'm going to have an exciting love life with a fulfilling partner."

Zabuza's bemusement must've shown on his face, because Suigetsu adopted a defensive tone. "And I did! I totally did. And you know _**who? **_The Prince. Yeah, Prince Sasuke. We're going to be betrothed when I go back and everything," he added smugly.

"Sasuke, huh?" Zabuza said, "He's second in line for the throne, right?"

"No." Suigetsu's face fell suddenly. "No, he's Crown Prince now. Prince Itachi—his brother—Itachi died a few years ago. Mysterious circumstances. They seemed to think _**Sasuke **_did it." He bristled. "As if! Sasuke loved his brother, man. He was _**devastated. **_He wanted to abdicate. But his Uncle, the Lord Hyuuga talked him out of it. Yeah, Hiashi Hyuuga's a great man. If you don't mind the stick up his ass."

Zabuza was so hungry for news of his hometown he didn't even care how much the kid was talking. "And?" he said, "Tell me more. What about ma—what about Lady Osei and Lord Momochi? How are they? How did they treat you?"

"Better than their own son," Suigetsu said thoughtlessly, "Well, I don't actually know, do I? I wasn't around when they were treating their own son—but they've always been really kind to me. Lord Momochi always tells me to call him father, but somehow I can't. I think its cause he looks _**nothing **_like me. But Lady Osei, I call her okaa-sama. It fits. She has my eyes," he smiled, and Zabuza remembered his mother with a heart wrenching clarity. Suigetsu was right: Osei's eyes were the same shape: almond, but slanted inwards to give a coy look. Her eyes too were the same exquisite shade of bluish green that Suigetsu's were.

"You have any clues as to where Zabuza is?" Zabuza asked his little brother. Suigetsu's face fell again. "I don't know, man. I saw his face in a few magazines from years ago—but you know how it is. Magazines always try to get funky with their photos. All I could see most of the time was a silhouette and lots of bandages." He picked up a piece of the mirror. "Kisame gave me this thing—it's supposed to lead me to him. It shows where I have to go next—and I got till here before I accidentally dropped it."

"He picked that up from me," Zabuza said, "The bandages thing. Seemed to think it was cool."

Suigetsu grinned. "Seriously? You know him that well that he goes around aping you?"

"Really well," Zabuza assured the kid, "Listen. I'm actually on a road trip of sorts. What say we go to bed now and move out together in the morning? If you don't have any leads on him, you might as well stick with me. He might come visit me sometime this year."

"No fuckin' way!" Suigetsu's jaw fell open, "That'd be great! Jeez. I was starting to think I'd have to spend ten years away from Sasu—away from home before I found bro. If you're for real, I might be with Sasu—okaa-sama this time next year!"

"That you will be, kid," Zabuza muttered to hide the pleased tone of his voice, "Get to sleep."

"Ace," Suigetsu said happily, "Hey, what's your name?"

"Just call me nii-san," Zabuza told him, and hit the sack.

000

They followed the map and ended up in a forest a week later. An old, dense forest with trees towering ominously over them.

"I'm not scared of you," Zabuza told a sycamore when he thought Suigetsu wasn't listening. It swished in the wind a bit, and he thought he wouldn't put it past Tsunade to be watching him _**right now, **_hidden as a breeze or something. He cut short his conversations with the vegetation and concentrated on finding the clearing the map was insisting should be somewhere around here…

"Heya, you looking for someone?"

Zabuza looked at the blond and was instantaneously pissed off for three reasons. First, the man was taller than him. This was simply not done. Secondly, he had a kindly expression on his face. Please, man. Kindly expressions went out of fashion decades ago. Thirdly, he was wearing a coat. A white coat with flames on it. Ostentatious much? Zabuza thought so.

"That depends, do you touch yourself at night?" he asked waspishly. "I bet you do."

Suigetsu facepalmed at the man's fail, and then regretted it. Because, ow. Self harm was not half as fun as Sasuke insisted it was.

Minato—that's the blond's name. But you knew that, right? Why do you even need me to narrate? I'll just go sulk my ass off in the corner. Minato said, "Um, okay. I'm Minato, and I've got friends back there." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "Do you want to come join us for a drink? We're about to have dinner."

The blond's _I'm going to pretend you didn't just insult me because I can't think of a good comeback _attitude pissed Zabuza off too, but dinner and drinks sounded interesting, and so he and his little brother followed the stranger into the forest and made his Stranger Danger teacher cry.

(Remember kids! Strange tall men in a forest who offer you drinks are bad news! This message is a free social service, because I am totally responsible.)

"Yo, Kakashi!" Minato hollered as he led them into a clearing, "Set the table for two more—we've got company!"

A man whom Zabuza liked only slightly better than Minato looked up. Zabuza liked him more than Minato because he knew him—Hatake Kakashi had been a fellow acolyte at the ninja school from forever ago, and Zabuza had always been able to kick his ass—but only slightly better because the bastard had gone and grown taller than the Mist ninja.

Suigetsu nodded to the man. "Yo," he said, "Suigetsu."

"Zabuza?" Kakashi started to say in mild astonishment, but his fellow alumnus cut him off before he got to the 'bu' part with a loudly exaggerated "Kakashi! Hey there scarecrow, how the hell have you been? Oh yeah, I remember you, me and Zabuza were like, so tight. Do you actually know where he is right now?"

Kakashi looked at Zabuza as though fearing for his sanity, and the man destined for really spiffy stuff grabbed the orange book that was dangling from the fair haired man's waist belt.

"_Icha, Icha Paradise! _You're still reading this shit?"

"You wanna keep your voice down," Kakashi grinned, "This is kinda the fan club for the author that wrote that shit."

Zabuza mocked a groan. "Quick, Suigetsu, let's get the hell outta here."

Minato gave a polite cough to indicate that he'd been pretty much ignored thus far, and Kakashi started. "Oh, right! Za—ah, this is Minato-sensei. He joined the academy a year after you graduated, so you wouldn't know him. But it's really thanks to him that I managed to pass. Great guy. Loves the _Icha, Icha_."

"Sorry about earlier," Zabuza shook Minato's hand, "You pissed me off. I think it was the cloak."

"That's not true," Suigetsu rolled his eyes, "He's just annoyed 'cause you're taller than him."

Zabuza boggled at the boy, and Kakashi snickered, "Well, he seems to know you pretty well. Who is he?"

"This is Suigetsu," the ninja said proudly, throwing an arm around the teen's shoulders, "He's Zabuza's little brother. Adoptive, but what the hell? He's tagging along with me because I figure the bastard's gotta visit his old friend at least once a year, right?"

The mask covered most of Kakashi's incomprehension, but his eyes puzzled in the way only Zabuza was familiar too. In any case he'd cottoned on enough to say, "You'd think, wouldn't you? And yet it's been nearly twenty years since I last saw the man."

Zabuza almost apologized, but caught himself and winked instead. "If I see him, I'll punch him for you, okay?"

"Fantastic," Kakashi smiled.

Minato gave up all hope of being included in their talk and steered Suigetsu away with him. "Let them catch up," he said, "My son's here with us—he's your age. I bet you guys have something in common. Naruto!" he hollered, and a blond crawled out of a horizontal tree trunk.

"Yeah, dad?"

Minato placed his hands on his hips, lips pursed in a motherly way. "How many times, son? You leave that tree trunk alone; look at you, you're filthy. Go take Suigetsu," he prodded the new boy forward, "and wash up for dinner, both of you."

Kakashi nodded to his old classmate. "What's going on, Zabby?" he asked, "If that kid's really your brother, why doesn't he know who you are?"

"I haven't figured out that part yet," Zabuza said, smiling at the old (gay) nickname that had fitted him again so easily. "My parents sent him looking for me, but I'm finally on the right trail of the right treasure. I thought I'd give it one last shot before I went back home. Tsunade the wind witch told me to come here, she said I'd find Jiraiya here. I don't suppose you've seen him around?"

Kakashi laughed. "Seen him around? I see him everyday! _**He's **_the author of the _Icha, Icha _series!"

000

Jiraiya was really freakin' tall. Zabuza hated him. What'd the guy eat everyday, a village? Compassion of the Buddha be damned. Zabuza hated tall men, he really did.

"Tsunade sent you?" the man said, "Really? Did she send me a note? A flower? A bra?"

Zabuza laughed. Suigetsu nudged him. "I don't think he's joking," the teen whispered. Zabuza stopped laughing. "No," he said, "She didn't."

"Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles," Jiraiya said nonchalantly, "Sit, sit. Eat. Read one of my books—I'm kidding," he said hastily at the expression on Zabuza's face, "Kakashi told me. You don't—er, appreciate adult content. It's okay. We'll talk after lights out." He gave Suigetsu a significant, side-long glance.

Zabuza ate.

After night fell to the forest floor with a relieved thud, Jiraiya approached his hammock and pushed him out.

"Mother fucker—!" Zabuza hissed as he scrambled to his feet.

"Not too fast for a ninja," Jiraiya observed, "Let's take a walk."

The moonlight streamed through the trees brightly enough, but Zabuza somehow found himself constantly tripping along in the hermit's huge shadow.

"What sort of treasure are you looking for, little boy Momochi?"

Little boy…? "Hey," Zabuza said, "I'm thirty five. A less of the 'little boy', if you don't mind."

"I mind."

Well, what are you supposed to say to that? The ninja adventurer settled for answering the question. "I'm not sure what kind of treasure. I'm hoping for something that I can carry back home alone."

Jiraiya looked at him with something close to pity in his eyes. "I see. Tell me, child, how long have you been away from home?"

"Fifteen years. Why?"

Jiraiya ignored the question. "And in all that time. How much treasure have you seen?"

Zabuza struggled with images of gold and silver and priceless gems. "Way too much," he said, "That's why I'm hoping the treasure I'm looking for is something like a sacred tome or small amber artifact. To be honest, shine's lost its shine for me."

The hermit looked pleased. "Good, good. You're right, of course. What most people call treasure is no different from money. They just call it treasure because it doesn't belong to them. But little boy Momochi, the treasure you're seeking? It's yours, completely. It was never intended for anyone else. It was made for _**you.**_"

"I thought I was supposed to hand it over to the king?" Zabuza puzzled, "Because it's supposed to bring glory and shit to the kingdom?"

Jiraiya took out a pipe and glanced at the ninja. "Do you mind if I…?"  
"Your pipe, your lungs, your funeral."

"Your lungs too, affected by second hand smoke."

"Then yes, I mind."

The legendary author gave an apologetic smile and put away the pipe. "My bad. Well, yes, you're meant to bring it to your kingdom, I suppose. Treasures of the powerful sort have a habit of getting where they're needed. But that doesn't change the fact that it's you who was meant to find it. It's good that you know that not all treasure is gold and silver."

Zabuza eyed him warily. "Hold on, this treasure. What is it? Don't tell me it's some sort of shitty one liner. 'Treat others as you want to be treated'. Something like that?"

"I'm not allowed to say."

The ninja mused over it. "Is it tangible? Can you tell me that much?"

"Yes, yes."

"Then that's good enough for me. What do I need to get it? Tsunade mentioned some sort of weapon."

"The treasure," Jiraiya said, "Is hid in a tower."

"Fair enough, I've had towers before."

"Good. This tower is like all other towers in most respects."

Zabuza's face went blank. "Most respects?"

"There aren't a whole lot of guards," the hermit said carefully, "In fact the place will seem quite willing to point out the treasure to you. It's the treasure that'll give you trouble. It won't want to leave."

"I don't intend to give it much of a choice," Zabuza said in a no-nonsense tone, and Jiraiya smiled. "No," he agreed, "I don't expect you will."

He drew out a small blue ring from his pocket and handed it to the ninja. "It's made of cobalt," he said, "It'll help you."

"Cobalt," Zabuza repeated, turning it over in the palm of his hand, "The spirit trapper?"

Jiraiya nodded, and Zabuza got the feeling that this treasure hunt had just gotten a little more complicated than it really needed to be.

000

The day dawned like most days do, with much rubbing of its eyes and wide yawns. Suigetsu mimicked its actions as he rolled out of his hammock stretching.

"Morning," he mumbled to Naruto from the forest floor. The blond tossed in his ropy bed and looked down at the teen through the lattice. "Morning," he mumbled back, "There's a salamander on your chest."

Suigetsu curled his neck to take in the slimy black thing that was breathing on his skin. "Get off," he told it. It got off.

"Good with animals, eh Snow White?" Naruto laughed.

"Dude, that's lame." The Mist country boy stood up and yawned one last time for luck. "That's just so lame I think you killed a few of my brain cells."

"You have cells? As in plural?"

Suigetsu shot him an incredulous look. "Were you this unfunny yesterday?"

"No," Naruto admitted as he got off the hammock, "Mornings fuck me up."

000

After breakfast, Zabuza nodded to Suigetsu. "It's time to head out, kid. Say bye."

Suigetsu turned to Naruto. "Bye."

Naruto laughed. "See ya around, jackass."

Jiraiya stood up and placed a hand on Zabuza's shoulder. "Little boy Momochi," he grinned, "Go out there and have an adventure. And don't forget to lock the door when you touch yourself."

Zabuza rolled his eyes. "Right, okay."

Kakashi hugged him next. "Drop in every now and then, okay Zabby? Don't take another twenty years."

"Got it," Zabuza said gruffly, patting his old classmate on the back. Minato shrugged at him. "I'll try to grow shorter so you won't be so pissed at me?"

"That's the spirit."

Suigetsu stared at his traveling companion. "Why," he said, "Did they call you little boy Momochi and _**Zabby**_?"

Oh, fuck.

"Well," the ninja began tentatively, "It's a funny story…"

And one that earned him the cold shoulder until the brothers got to the tower.

000

The marble needle stretched a mile high into the sky and the closer they got to it, the more bums they met.

"What the hell is this, Munchkinland in full drought mode?"

"Nii-san! What have I told you about making out of fandom references?"

"You give the audience an explanation, then!"

Suigetsu picked up a guide book one of the bums thrust timely in his direction and perused it. "The land of Sound," he read aloud, "Once ruled over by the dread tyrant Orochimaru, the land of Sound fell from its perch as the evil roost queen when Orochimaru hunted and found a treasure of terrible worth. The treasure had a charm on it that spread justice like a plague, good government like a menace. Orochimaru tried to remove the treasure from the inner sanctum of his chambers, but the treasure had settled and didn't want to leave. Instead, the tyrant fled to unknown lands, taking only a single, trusted servant. The land of Sound has since been quietly incongruous, open to commerce and tourism. The tower that used to be Orochimaru's headquarters became the focal point of the justice and converted itself into a home for the destitute."

"Whores?" Zabuza asked hopefully.

"Not prostitute, _**destitute.**_"

"Bums?"

"Yes."

"Fuck."

"There's more," Suigetsu said, "The fiefdom is under the regent control of someone named Kimimaro. Hey! I think I know that guy. I think we studied together at school. …He never showed up to class, y'know? Always down with the flu or a stomach ache or AIDS or whatever."

"Great," Zabuza said, "Let's go meet a sick puppy. Maybe we can kick it, that'll make me feel better."

000

Let's take a break. Let's go on a vacation to the land of the Mist—it's a very off-beat location for a holiday these days. Since Suigetsu left, there have been quite a few changes

Hiashi Hyuga is behind all of them.

Quiet rebels in the kingdom said that they'd always smelt treachery on that man like a fish's stench. But they all seemed to think that now, after he'd carried out his nefarious plans, was a good time to mention it. In fact the treachery they'd smelt was a perfume called Traitor, by the famous Kabuki actor Umino Iruka, and no one had had the heart to tell Hiashi that it smelt like shit.

Most rebels, however, keep their feelings locked up tight in their heart. Perhaps if Hiashi was sitting on the throne there would have been some people who'd be outraged enough to challenge him straight on, but Hiashi was a smarter man than that. Soon after Suigetsu left, he'd made an announcement that Sasuke, the crown prince, was mooning in the throes of lovesickness and the doctors had declared him mentally unstable. He sent out the king's most loyal troops to search for the Prince's beloved—and had them all poisoned the day after they left the city gates.

It was only a matter of time before King Fugaku succumbed to a 'mysterious disease of the heart and stomach'. His body was given a lavish funeral, and Sasuke was subsequently ushered onto the throne.

That was when the real fun started for the young king's uncle.

Sasuke had been put under a spell, a will-weakening one that kept him as himself, but much more susceptible to his Uncle Reagent's advice—for of course, the boy couldn't rule till he was twenty. And by the time his birthday came Hiashi had enough control over Sasuke that he was perfectly content to work behind the curtains of the throne room, playing puppeteer to his lovely marionette.

Human want, however, is endless.

Hiashi grew weary of hailing as his liege lord the boy that was under his thumb in private. He grew weary of being called Lord Reagent instead of by the rightful title—_**king. **_He wanted full power, and he had to seize it in a tactful way.

The famed Hyuuga eyes glowed with that unmistakable sheen of a formidable intelligence at work. Hiashi had a takeover to plot.

000

Zabuza had, against all concepts of credibility and heroism, developed a sniffle on the way into the tower.

"This is so fuckin'—sniff—embarrassing."

"It'd be less embarrassing if you didn't keep repeating that fact," Suigetsu observed, "Snuffle in silence, why don't you."

"Shut up!"

They ascended the innumerable stairs in relative calm after that, however. On occasion a shy face would peer at them from behind a wall, but never for long. Once upon a time the word _destitute _covered able bodied people who were unable to find work, but the mysterious treasure had innovated ideas that reduced the helpless to the terminally ill and aged.

"What are all the old farts—_sniff—_lookin' at?"

"The intruders in their home, maybe?"

"I don't like smartasses, Suigetsu."

"Whatever, nii-san."

The top of the tower was a sumptuous room brimming with gold and silver coins. The fiefdom's treasury poured its wealth out of priceless urns with the same self aware carelessness a young girl undresses with. Jewels lay scattered on the plush carpeted floor, nestled between antique hookah vessels and opium pipes. And presiding over it all was a large portrait of an unusually beautiful female, a blossoming lady with doe eyes and sheaves of straight brown hair. Her smile said _empathy, it's what I'm best at. _She was in a simple robe of green and white with a high collared yellow inner shirt, and her arms were crossed across her chest demurely.

"Who's the chick?"

"I'unno," Suigetsu said, "Maybe a princess?"

"Her clothes are too plain for her to be a princess," Zabuza sniffed, stepping closer to her portrait. He swiped his nose with the back of a filthy hand, and he could've sworn he saw something stiffen in her smile to say _that's disgusting, get yourself a handkerchief! _He blinked, edging closer.

"Suigetsu, there's something weird about this painting. Come take a look."

"Yeah," the boy replied, shifting through the mass of riches around him, "Her left eye looks funny."

Zabuza's heart leapt to his throat: there was no mistaking it this time, her eyes had flashed to snap _take that back, you stupid piranha! _The ninja ran his hand through his hair worriedly.

"No, Suigetsu. Seriously, get over here."

Suigetsu straightened to _**seriously **_tell his brother to _**seriously **_go fuck himself, and Zabuza reached out a hand to touch the painting, with the woman's eyes egging him on quietly. His fingers grazed the unnaturally soft canvas, and the cobalt ring that Jiraiya had given him, the ring that had taken up residence on his little finger, fizzled. There was a brilliant flash of blue light, and both the Mist men threw their arms across their eyes to shield themselves.

A voice spoke out calmly in the aftermath of the confusion.

"Hello, gentlemen. My name is Haku."

000

"What're you doing, nii-san?"

"I'm gonna write home," Zabuza said, "What do you think ma's face will look like when she gets a letter after so many years of silence?"

"Pale?"

"Your sharp wit has pierced my head and killed my brain."

"I want to write too," Suigetsu said, grabbing a sheet of paper. They were in a spacious room with a large, unbarred window. Innumerable hawks and falcons wheeled about in the air outside: carriers of word in their world.

"Who're _**you **_writing to?" Zabuza demanded.

"Sasuke, duh," Suigetsu said happily. His hand fairly flew across his letter and Zabuza watched him in mild amusement for a while. Amusement…and a little something else. _**He'd **_certainly never felt that—the feelings that gave you the jitters, the feelings that made your knees go a little weak and inspired you to breathe deeper in a desperate attempt to calm yourself. He didn't know what it was like to have a heart waiting for him with impatience and exasperated fondness. But Suigetsu did, and that felt weird. How had fifteen years of his life—the fifteen best years of his life—slipped by without a single relationship to mar his nights with angst? Sure he'd buried himself in the nearest available body on drunk nights, when it seemed like he'd _**never **_find that damn treasure, but this wasn't the same.

"Sasuke's gonna be so hyped," Suigetsu hummed to himself, his hand still scribbling frantically.

No, this was definitely not the same.

000

"Have you gentlemen finished with your letters?" Haku popped in to check in on the Mist males a little later. Both of them looked up at the treasure with uncannily identical smiles: the same swordsman's shark teeth bared in a almost vicious grin.

"Yeah," Zabuza said, "Thanks again for letting us use your post room."

"It's not a problem," Haku said, "I'll just finish packing, shall I? I've yet to decide which ceremonial robe I should take. You know, for formal occasions."

The treasure left, and the brothers exchanged glances.

"She's taking this all very well," Suigetsu said.

Zabuza shook his head, troubled. "I'unno," he said, "Jiraiya said the treasure wouldn't want to leave its home. But she seems…eager to go."

"Maybe she's faking it," Suigetsu suggested, "And she's waiting for us to let our guard down so she can hack us to death with an adze."

His brother's jaw dropped. "The hell."

"It could totally happen, nii-san," the teenager insisted as he walked out the door. Zabuza yelled, "She weighs, like, ninety nine pounds! How much damage could she possibly do?!" and promptly received a song in reply.

"_She's like ninety nine pounds of—dynamite! When she kisses me and holds me tight, my baby's like ninety nine pounds of—dynamite!" _

Kids these days.

000

It was ultimately decided that as far as Haku was willing to come without a fight, they would give her the benefit of the doubt. Suigetsu, however, could not stop watching her out of the corner of his eye with suspicion.

"It's just not right," he muttered to an indifferent Zabuza as they struck out from the tower, "We just walked in and she just kinda said, sure, what the hell, I'll come with you. Why would anyone just do that?"

"Maybe it's the ring," the ninja pondered, "Jiraiya gave me this cobalt ring, maybe it's her summons or something? Maybe she can't say no?"

"Maybe she's not the treasure," Suigetsu said uneasily. Zabuza stopped short and glared at him.

"Don't say that. Don't even _**think **_that. Kisame—via Tsunade and Jiraiya—led me this way. She _**has **_to be it."

000

He didn't know if she was it or not, but she was certainly something. That night at dinner, she sat next to him for conversation and company.

"Where are you from?"

"Mist country," he grunted. He wasn't in a very good mood. They were having rice and pickles. Pickles were for _**sissies. **_

"Your brother told me you spent the last fifteen years looking for me."

Zabuza glared at Suigetsu, who'd already eaten and was walking away to take a piss. "Yeah," he grunted again, "It was a fuckin' hoot. Not."

Haku seemed uncomfortable. "I'm sorry," she said, "It's not as if I wanted you to waste so many years like that."

"Well, I wasted them anyway, didn't I? So that's that, and that's all." He stood up, and looked down at her offended face. "Pickles put me in a bad mood," he explained, "I'll be nicer tomorrow. If we're eating something with meat in it."

"I can't wait," she replied drolly with a sardonic little smile.

And that was when the world exploded. Zabuza saw swaths of color swooning before him, and he staggered forth with his heart pounding crazily and his knees weakening dramatically.

_Holy shit, _he thought, _so this is love? _

No, it wasn't. It was just the long white sword that was protruding from his chest. It withdrew itself sharply, and Haku shouted and leapt to her feet. Zabuza thought he had a good idea why: the hole the sword had made was nearly a perfect cylinder of empty blood in his frame of flesh.

He turned around to face the damned enemy that snuck up on him tonight.

"Kimimaro!" Haku yelled, rushing past Zabuza with fury stamped on her features. Needles of light appeared in her hands and were flung; only they weren't made of light, they were made of metal. The sickly youth that had appeared to challenge them silently watched them drive into his chest—but there was no blood. His chest had been protected by a plate of white armor.

Zabuza teetered around a bit, looking for the great beheading sword that had always saved his ass on occasions like this. It wasn't there, though. It had been given to a wind witch in exchange for a map that had led him to a man who'd given him a ring that helped him find his treasure that was attacking Kimimaro, who had just killed him.

What a funny old world.

"You bastard!" Haku was saying as she flashed around their campsite with unimaginable speed, "He had nothing to do with you! You didn't have to do anything to him!"

"He took you away," Kimimaro replied calmly, "You belong to Orochimaru-sama. I cannot step aside and let his belongings be taken away."

Haku stopped throwing her needles and stared at him in disbelief. "Orochimaru," she deadpanned, "Orochimaru? Orochimaru's gone. He left—and _**he didn't take you**_."

The bony bastard's collected exterior shattered. Zabuza thought he was losing his mind in the grip of death, because Kimimaro's skin _**actually **_shattered—and then he realized. The plate that had protected him from Haku's needles, the sword that had pierced Zabuza chest was Kimimaro's own bone. Bones were cracking through the boy's skin and his eyes were filling with hatred and Haku was just standing there with an infuriated, infuriating expression on her face, needles dangling between her fingers.

"He would've taken me!" Kimimaro screamed, "He would've taken me, me, just me and not _**Kabuto **_if it wasn't for _**you!**_"

Haku had the audacity—stupidity?—to laugh in his face. "And what does that show? Orochimaru only cares about you as long as you are strong. He dropped you like a hot potato when you fell ill, and took Kabuto, who could still fight for him."

"I can fight for him," Kimimaro snarled, "I will fight for him. I'll drag you back to the tower and then we'll see. Orochimaru-sama will see that I am _**strong!**_"

Haku just shook her head. "You're so sad, Kimimaro," she said, "You love him so much, you're blinded by it. Now just…just go away. I lost my temper once already—" she peeked at Zabuza, who understood he was the reason she lost it, "—and I don't want to lose it again. I'm not going to fight you, you sad, sick little puppy."

Sick little puppy.

This guy was the regent of the land?

Kimimaro's only response was to rush Haku. Zabuza felt a sudden panic—_nothing should ever harm Haku—_and with the panic came adrenaline, with the adrenaline came hidden strength, and with that strength he threw himself in Kimimaro's path and was promptly run over by the ruthless machine of bone.

"Kimimaro!" Haku screamed again, and she _leapt into the air _and drove her foot in a horrible kick straight to the boy's face.

The amazing bit was, he crumpled to the ground, bones and all.

The not so amazing bit was, Zabuza couldn't feel his heart anymore, which meant he'd probably just killed himself for a girl who was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. And what the hell had that last thought been? _Nothing should ever harm Haku?_ What _**was **_he, some sort of samurai general sent out to protect the princess?

Hell no.

_Holy shit, _he thought again, _is this love?_

No, not yet. But it would be, soon enough.

000

Zabuza didn't die because Suigetsu came back from his pee and brought out a medic guidebook Kisame had given him. Like a bachelor making a meal, he proceeded to heal his brother step by step. Haku helped.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Zabuza hollered at the teen when he could speak again, "Who pees for so long they miss an entire fucking fight!?"

"It was insane, nii-san. I didn't even know my bladder could hold that much, it just kept coming out!"

Haku laughed, and Zabuza felt his heart in a _**painful **_way. _Nothing should ever harm Haku. _

This was so not cool. Sure he'd squandered his youth on a fruitless quest for her, that didn't mean he could fall in love with her now. She was a treasure. She may not even be human. She was off limits.

(Clearly, no one's told Zabuza that forbidden fruit is the sweetest kind, but whatever.)

000

The letters.

Two letters were sent via falcon and hawk to two people, and only one addressee actually received their letter as intended.

Lady Osei read it so many times, she memorized the damn thing. She didn't tell her husband just yet—the joy was stopping her from speaking out even to him. Her sons were _coming home. _

Oh, shit. They were coming home.

Coming home to an oppressed land that held very, very little for them.

Lady Osei clutched the letter to her chest.

Her sons were coming home.

Her eyes read the words again.

_Suigetsu is with me, and he's very happy about all of this. I'm thinking he'll want to write Sasuke…_

Oh, shit, again. Sasuke, the Crown Prince that'd been crowned King, Sasuke who'd been declared clinically unstable, Sasuke who'd retired to his innermost chambers recently, Sasuke whose kingdom was being ruled by his uncle. Sasuke, who was in love with Suigetsu.

Her sons were _coming home. _

Lady Osei had never thought she'd be so upset with that fact.

000

So where did that other letter go? The one that was supposed to reach Sasuke's hands and tell him how much Suigetsu missed him, how happy he was to be returning to him, how long and how well he was going to molest him when they met again? The letter of love that inspired in Zabuza a need for a companion he'd never really needed before had been mislaid.

It had reached Hyuuga Hiashi.

The man panicked. It was a natural reaction—he'd expected several more years to deal with the problem of Suigetsu, and he'd never thought that the elder Momochi boy would ever make it _**back **_with the treasure. People knew about him, he was a fuckin' legend. And while many people had long forgotten the eyes of Momochi Zabuza, Hiashi hadn't. If ever there was a man who might be the wrench in Hiashi's perfect work, it was Zabuza.

He had to do something _**now. **_But what? What useful resources did he have currently at hand? What brilliant stroke of genius was required to facilitate a relatively peaceful takeover of the kingdom? Where, in short, was his secret weapon?

"Uncle," his young nephew Neji knocked at his door, "I've come to escort you to dinner. Hinata and Hanabi are waiting."

Hiashi smiled. _Et voila. _

000

Nearing the border between Sound and Mist, Zabuza and cohorts took it easy.

"Nii-san, let's just stay here dammit," Suigetsu said on the shores of the stupidly bluest lake they'd ever seen. Turquoise, sapphire, cerulean, indigo—every shade of azure there ever was glittered in the lake's waters. The boys had dragged a line of bushes to separate themselves from Haku, who was on the other side bathing, judging from the sound of her gleeful voice splashing in the water.

Oh, Haku.

How Zabuza had fallen for Haku.

To be honest, you couldn't blame him. She was just so lovable. He smiled so wide just thinking of her he was in danger of being mistaken for a psychopath. Thinking of her now, smiling in that way, he was mistaken for a psychopath by his brother.

"Hey, nii-san. What's with the crazy grin?"

"I think I'm in love, man."

"Not with me, right?"

A particularly delighted squeal from the other side of the bushes interrupted them, and Haku leapt over the barrier, completely naked and holding an enormous salmon.

"I caught dinner!" he trilled, because it _**was **_a he and they _**would **_eat that salmon later tonight. Right now, however, Zabuza and Suigetsu have some gawping and gasping and "holy mother of fuck!"-ing to do.

Haku stopped short, looking confused. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"What's _**wrong! **_You're _**wrong! **_What the hell, why do you have…have…"

Suigetsu made frantic gestures towards his own crotch and then Haku's, but the brown haired boy didn't lose his look of incomprehension.

"A dick!" Suigetsu screamed.

"Well," Haku said, furrowing his brow to show that he thought they were acting unreasonably pissy over something all three of them had in common, "It's my understanding that males have that. And I'm a male. So what's the problem?"

"What's the _**problem!**_" Suigetsu said, getting plain hysterical now, "Oh, he wants to know the _**problem! **_Nothing's the problem—except we thought you were a girl! A fuckin' girl! And now you're just like—nah, I'm a guy! That's what the fuckin' _**problem **_is!"

Looking half hurt and half scared and half amused (you can have three halves in my story), Haku turned to Zabuza. "Come on," he said, "_**You **_didn't think I was a girl, did you?"

Suigetsu shut the fuck up and did an agitated little pirouette towards his brother, realizing that here was a person to whom it mattered a great deal more whether Haku was a girl or not.

Zabuza probed himself (no. Not that way.) for feelings. A smidgeon of horror. A hint of revulsion. An iota of…of…

"Zabuza?" Haku insisted, coming closer. He brandished the fish he was holding. "Did you think I was a girl?"

Well, yes. I thought you were a girl, Haku, and I fell in love with you. I don't know if it sounds crazy to you. It seems okay to me. I fell in love with you, and now you're a boy, but I don't feel like I mind. At all. In fact, I think I like you very much like this too. I like you a lot. Yep, a lot, a lot. In fact, I like you enough to want to take your warm, naked body into my arms _**right now **_and—

He swooned.

"Nii-san?"

"Zabuza!"

"Nii-san!"

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

000

That night, the salmon grilled on a woodwork mesh Suigetsu had twined together with wet grass and Haku spent his time sulking in a tree on the other side of their campsite.

"Well," Suigetsu said, "At least this means we can talk, you know, without her—him—overhearing."

Zabuza nodded, looked placid, nodded again, looked infuriated, nodded a third time, and reverted to looking placid again.

"So, nii-san," Suigetsu continued, "The girl you're in love with is a guy. You…don't seem too distressed."

"I'm not," Zabuza said, "I'm okay with it. What do you think that

means?"

"Aside from the fact that you seem to be swinging both ways?"

The ninja put his face in his hands, mortified. "Fuck."

"Yeah."

So he swung Haku's way, so be it. He swung Haku's way. Hell, he'd even slide Haku's way, provided that it was indeed Haku's way.

000

Hiashi knew what he was going to do, and so do I. I mean, I know what Hiashi is going to do, not what I'm going to do. Actually I know what I'm going to do as well, but that's immaterial and—look. Let's just get to what Hiashi is doing, m'kay? M'kay.

What Hiashi was going to do was:

a) clean up his room

b) iron his best ceremonial wear

c) ship Sasuke out to a distant monastery (for his health, of course)

d) install Neji (at the request of Sasuke, naturally) as the Acting Prince

e) have Neji and Sasuke die tragically from the flu

f) at Neji's request, assume the mantle as King

g) rule the hell out of Mist country

Shut up, it was a good plan. But first he needed to avert the coming disaster, which was called 'Suigetsu and Zabuza are Heading this Way with the Treasure of Doom'.

Simple enough to do that, really. Just jot down a letter in Sasuke's hand setting the brothers on another wild duck chase (why should geese get all the love?) that would last until Hiashi had the crown firmly nestled on his handsome head, upon which it would cease mattering what the Momochi boys wanted to do.

Lady Osei knew what she was going to do too. She was going to write a letter to her sons telling them everything that happened and all the kingdom's suspicions towards Hiashi, tell them to tread with care and hope that having survived all these years away from home, coming back wouldn't kill them.

It was also a good plan.

000

Both the good plans reached the boys just the tiniest bit late. That tiniest bit of time was enough for them to make a mess of themselves, of course, because they were just that kind of boys.

It happened just after they'd crossed the border of Sound into the land of Mist. Haku had been having terrible attacks of the stomach and spent at least a few hours a day retching into bushes he'd just shat in. He ate less, complained more, went redder in the face and thinner in the limbs. Zabuza and Suigetsu fretted over him, but not aloud. He'd just get into _**such **_a temper.

"If I still thought he was a girl," Suigetsu said darkly, "I'd think he was having some fuckin' sort of extended PMS frenzy."

But he wasn't, so they could only assume he was sick and divert their course for a stop at the nearest clinic, which was adjoined to a small, quiet monastery on a pleasant hill of agreeable height and affable weather.

"I hate this fuckin' place," Suigetsu said even more darkly, "Where's the fuckin' mist of Mist country, dammit."

Haku threw up, and Zabuza just grunted like a man who doesn't know what to do or say.

The monks showed them into a waiting room, and they waited for all of ten seconds before Suigetsu stood up like a man possessed, staring intently through the room's open windows like a man possessed who's just seen what he's being possessed by.

"Sui?" Zabuza questioned. Haku went green and tottered to the corner to throw up. Zabuza was about to follow him—_**why **_even he didn't know, to look at the vomit, to hold Haku's ears shut, to clean up his mess—when his little brother gave a scream of delight and leapt out the window.

"The fuck!" Zabuza swore and swiveled. Suigetsu bounded across the elegantly crafted grounds to a dark haired young man in a yukata, flanked by a few somber looking, unarmed guards. They tensed and flexed their muscles at Suigetsu, but he paid as much attention to them as you would to a leaf among a thousand others. He swept up the handsome brunet in a crazed embrace, and Zabuza got the feeling that he'd just met Sasuke.

Haku tottered back and stood next to him, the acidic stink of puke hanging on his shoulders. "Who is that?" he asked hoarsely.

"Suigetsu's lover."

"Why are the men attacking Suigetsu?"

"Because they're stupid?"

It was true. He might not be as elegant as Zabuza, but it was just sad to see the weaponless guards get their asses whopped by the accomplished swordsman. More guards came running to take their place, however, and these had knives and things so Zabuza thought he should try to make peace. He vaulted out the window, closely followed by Haku, and they ran over to the duo that stood facing the oncoming men.

Sasuke, Zabuza noticed, didn't look too bright. He had a vapid expression on his face that suggested that he'd had a wild night the day before and alcohol was still pumping through his system. Suigetsu was looking at him with some concern as well.

"Hey, Sass," he said, shaking the boy's shoulders lightly, "What's up, babe? Call the watchdogs off—you don't want me kicking their asses, do you? Baby?"

Haku walked towards the guards, hands up in a submissive style. "Now, now, gentlemen," he said in a voice that could've been the Buddha's, "You must understand that there's been a misunderstanding, no one is trying to hurt your master; we're friends…"

The first of the men leveled with Haku and threw a vicious punch in his face. Before Zabuza could rampage, Haku did. That boy was not a pretty sight when he was upset, and he'd been getting upset ever since they'd left Sound. Something moved in Zabuza's mind. _The treasure will give you trouble. It won't want to leave. _Maybe 'home' to the treasure meant all of the country Sound? Maybe this was it—maybe this was the trouble?

"Shit," he said as he realized that Haku hadn't stopped whaling on their attackers. They were in danger of losing their lives, so he ducked between the effeminate boy's blows and picked him up, bringing him back to where Suigetsu was still talking to Sasuke. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a few angry looking monks coming out of the monastery. Huh, and he'd always thought the peace of the Buddha wasn't ruffled by anything.

They were summarily kicked out, and the clinic's services were denied to them. When Zabuza protested that it was guards who'd caused the most damage to the grounds by refusing to lie down and take their beatings, all he got for his troubles was a cold stare from the head monk.

The group was heading back down the hill, alternately grilling Sasuke for answers he seemed incapable of giving and cussing out the monks (even Haku joined in with an impressive repertoire) when they were visited by a falcon and a hawk. The brothers Momochi read the letter from their mother together, and then the letter from 'Sasuke'. Zabuza shook his head in despair because it was starting to feel like his responsibilities would never end, and also Haku was throwing up _**again. **_Suigetsu shook with anger and started cussing out everyone, _**everyone**_, Hiashi and the monks and his brother and Hiashi and Sasuke and Lady Osei and Hiashi and the Mist country and Haku and—well there he stopped because when Haku heard expletives being directed at him he threw himself at the fair haired male, intent on throttling him. Zabuza held his collar and Suigetsu's as well, while Sasuke sat patiently down on the path and watched swordless big man bang the smaller men's heads together.

"What the hell," Zabuza asked later, when everything was quieter, "are you so pissed about?"

Suigetsu looked up at him with surprised eyes. "Aren't _**you **_pissed off!? Look at what Hiashi is _**doing!**_"

"Yeah, I see," Zabuza said, "But we're going to stop him, yeah? So just…relax. Get a grip. Don't waste your energy."

"Well I'm fuckin' sorry, nii-san that I'm not so cool and collected as you are. My boyfriend is here, he's all fucked up and drugged or whatever and you don't know what that feels like, to have someone you care about be out of order!"

Zabuza gave him a look that screamed _moron _and in the background came the mood-setting music of Haku emptying his stomach of anything that might've survived his purge from an hour ago.

"Oh," Suigetsu said, "Shit. My bad."

"Forgiven," Zabuza said, "Let's just get home. Haku will take care of everything."

Haku heard that part as he was coming back from being wretched and gave an unhappy little sigh. "Listen," he said, "About all this—you really think I can take care of it by myself?"

"Of course," Zabuza said blankly, "That's what you do, yeah? Spread around justice."

"Force goodness on the people," put in Suigetsu.

"Dethrone the hell out of Hiashi for us," concluded Zabuza.

"…" Sasuke pulled at some grass.

Haku looked around helplessly, clearly wanting some passing maniac to whisk him away to a place where he wouldn't have to do what he was about to do. But no maniac passed, so he heaved another sigh and got on with it.

"I need to tell you something," he said, and took off his shirt.

"You got a tattoo!" Suigetsu exclaimed, "Fuck, that's hot! Ow," he added when Sasuke threw a rock at him—he wasn't far gone enough to stop being possessive. "I mean, I wanted to get one. That is badass, Haku."

It was indeed badass. Four swirls of wind marked the four corners of the main design, which seemed to be a woven pot. The middle line was flanked by tiny gill-like markings.

"It's not a tattoo," Haku said, and because it was closest took Zabuza's hand and raised it to feel his chest.

"Stitches?" Zabuza asked, trying to be more horrified and less aroused by the feel of Haku's skin under his palm.

"Stitches," Haku agreed. "I've got a story to tell you, about the treasure you've been seeking…and I don't think you'll like it."

Once upon a time there was a mage. A sage. A sage of six paths, six practices, and a fuckin' master at all six practices. Art, war, scholastics, economics, love, and…one other one. Haku couldn't remember.

"What the fuck do you mean love as a practice?" Suigetsu asked, and Haku told him that the sage was, uh, adept at people-pleasing.

"Fuck, what a man-whore."

So it was, so it shall be. So the sage was a master of the high disciplines, and so his services were sought by all the rulers of the world: for it was no mystery that when these six attributes existed in the sort of harmony they existed within the sage, all was perfection. The karmic balance of the world would be settled, yin and yang would offset each other beautifully, and things in general would be fine and dandy.

The sage, however, after an unhappy love affair and a falling out with his best friend and (presumably) one very drunk and miserable night decided that the world didn't deserve that sort of fine and dandiness. He split up the disciplines in himself, making six powerful treasures, and killed himself in the process. The next day his best friend and lover showed up to reconcile, found his dead body instead, and wrote a weighty book on the woes that arise from getting drunk alone on miserable nights.

The treasures were expected to be fought over by many people, but the funny thing was no one ever found them. No one ever knew what form the sage had given them on that final night of magnified hopelessness, no clue was ever found as to their whereabouts and the world got on just fine without magic and magnificence for a few centuries.

Sixty years ago, a man named Sasori claimed to have found one of the sage's original masterpieces. No one took him seriously because those were enlightened days and the sage's legend was just that, a legend. The man disappeared into the shadows for a few decades, and forty years later reemerged with a hot blond piece of ass hanging on his arm. The blond's name was Deidara and—

Suigetsu stirred, recognizing the name. Zabuza warned him to stay calm until the story was finished.

Deidara was amazing. He was an artist, just like Sasori, but their styles were different, complement to each other. They ranged far and wide to villages across the length and breadth of the land. Some said Sasori intended to parade the good fortune Deidara leaked out to as many localities as possible, others said that he was looking for the perfect land to conquer using his unique brand of good-guy evil. Deidara, it was agreed, was the treasure. Actually, he was the holder of the treasure. It was stitched into the cavity of his chest, right above his heart. It sunk its metaphorical tendrils into his flesh and kept him working, kept him at a constant age.

Whatever Sasori's plan had been, it hadn't worked out. Orochimaru had heard of the thing, the legend, the sage's demise; he believed it and hunted Deidara. Knowing that the hermit may match him in strength, and suspiciously unwillingly to risk Deidara in a fight, Sasori had hastily exorcised the treasure into a young boy from a snowy village and thrust him into Orochimaru's care.

"I was the young boy," Haku said.

"Orochimaru didn't sodomize you, right?"

Haku refused to answer what he thought was a stupid question, and Zabuza fretted.

The treasure, upon reaching the land of Sound, had settled. Haku's entry into the country had incited his chest to flare and hurt in a marvelously good way. He lost his mind for a while, remembering nothing of his life for years on end during which he could only suppose that the power of the thing over his heart was too much for his poor soul to take.

"When you two came along," Haku said, "Everything became wonderfully clear. I was so scared of losing myself again, I wanted to leave with you as soon as possible."

"So during those years that you couldn't remember what you were doing," Zabuza agonized, "Orochimaru _**could **_have sodomized you?"

Haku shrugged in a way that indicated that it didn't matter much to him one way or the other, and Zabuza groaned a pathetic groan. In all this speculation about Haku's integrity, Suigetsu forgot to bring up Deidara again.

"Wait, back in the beginning," Zabuza asked, "Kimimaro said Orochimaru ran away with Kabuto instead of him because of you?"

Oh yeah, Kimimaro had been strong (and consequently the Sannin's favorite) until Haku showed up, after which he'd had some sort of insanely intense allergic reaction and deteriorated to the point of where it was all Orochimaru could do to just keep him alive.

Whatever, it's just a sideshow, can I continue the story?

The treasure, since Haku had left Sound, was acting up. The tattoo that'd sunk into his skin had remerged, and it _**hurt. **_It dug its thorny little fingers into his heart and stopped his body from working. He didn't know how far this would go on, but he definitely knew that the treasure was going to work only in the land of Sound.

"Why?" Suigetsu asked, and Haku said, "Because it feels like it. Don't ask me questions like that, I'm telling you everything I know."

"So," Zabuza said quietly, trying to summarize, "Getting you to Mist country isn't going to magically solve anything. Anything? And also you might've been had by Orochimaru and you don't even have the benefit of a good saucy memory about it."

"Any memory of Orochimaru doing anything to me is never going to be _**good.**_"

"I'unno," Suigetsu said, "I've got a thing for long-tongued brunets."

For a taste no one could forgive him for, Suigetsu got no fish that night at dinner.

000

There was a desert. It was big, it was hot, it made them sweat and swear and it had cacti that, when eaten, gave Sasuke a weird rash in his unmentionables.

They were moving through the desert in order to avoid the villages. Ever since they'd left Sound the villages, not being subjected to the treasure's magic, had possessed a depressing amount of beggars and invalids. Compared to the cheerful hamlets of Sound, the Mist villages just hurt their hearts. They couldn't stop themselves from handing out alms to every dejected hand thrust their way, and when they ran out of money Zabuza had grit his teeth and chosen the desert's woes over the human ones.

"Fuck," Suigetsu said, hand in hand with Sasuke, "Why are our villages so shitty?"

"Inefficient use of resources," Haku said promptly, "I can help a little there. I don't have the magic, but I remember a few of the ideas the treasure sparked off to better the economy. Something about cost plus interest or…diminishing returns or…uh, something."

"Fuckin' ace," Suigetsu said moodily, "What do we do about Hiashi?"

Zabuza supplied the answer to this question. Subtlety was neither his nor Suigetsu's strong point, but it was Haku's. They'd use him to sneak in to the palace (and possibly Sasuke's insider knowledge) and then they'd find and kill Hiashi.

"Kill?" Haku asked, a little queasily.

"Kill," Suigetsu confirmed, tightening his jaw.

"Kill," Zabuza shrugged, seeing his brother's determination.

"Kill," Sasuke muttered, swatting at a midge.

000

Of all the unreasonable coincidences, they ran into Jiraiya and his fan club halfway through the tracts of sand.

"Don't you have a family to go home to?" Zabuza asked Minato irritably. The tall (the bastard! The total and complete bastard!) blond shrugged offhandedly.

"Naruto's all I've got," he said, "My wife died a few years ago on a dangerous mission. She worked as a ninja for—"

"Yeah alright, I didn't ask for a sob story," Zabuza pushed past him to Kakashi.

"Yo."

"Kakashi," Zabuza said, "Why are you in this desert?"

"Jiraiya-sama felt like it."

"And where is the fat bastard?"

"Right behind you, shorty pants," the ecchi writer said calmly.

Ooh, he really knew how to get under Zabuza's skin.

"Sasuke," Suigetsu was saying, "This is Naruto. I know he looks stupid, but he can be funny when its not morning."

"Heya," Naruto shook Sasuke's hand and met his vacant gaze, "We've met. I was at the palace when we were kids? I smuggled in copies of Icha, Icha Yaoi to you. You hated me for that, I think."

"Naruto?" Sasuke said blankly.

"Yeah."

"Naruto," Sasuke smiled.

"Yeah!"

Haku hovered on the edge of making conversation. Minato kept him company.

That night, over slices of cactus flower between jack rabbit meat, Zabuza related to Jiraiya his plight and predicament, arousing indignant cries of sympathy.

"Let's take up arms with them," Minato beseeched their leader, "Let's fight for them. A whole kingdom, sensei, usurped from a learned and worthy prince!"

(Sasuke chose this point to giggle and stick a cactus flower in his hair.)

Kakashi said, in his unassuming manner that so endeared him to everyone, "I'll fight with him no matter what you decide, sensei. He's my old friend. A comrade."

"Zabuza's a Communist?" Haku sniggered, but no one else got the joke.

Naruto mentioned how the capital of Mist had crazy good bars, and Jiraiya made his decision.

"A good night's sleep, a morning message to Tsunade, asking for assistance, and then we march to the capital," he announced, "To make war against Hiashi Hyuuga!"

"That's great," Zabuza said, "But we were thinking of a pretty quiet operation."

"Nonsense. We want war."

"But—"

"War!"

There's just no stopping some people. Condemning him as a bloodthirsty fuck, Zabuza fell asleep in Jiraiya's encampment with the stars glistening wetly above him.

000

It was a silent night, but it wasn't particularly holy. It was a calm night, but luckily for Zabuza and his peeps it wasn't at all bright. The ancestral palace of the Uchiha dynasty slumbered peacefully save for sentries, and outside its seven walls of defense a small band of males convened to judge how to break into it.

"I say we run the door down using a battering ram and split up the forces into six, using each to take down a wing of the building. We should have people in the stables slaughtering their livestock, too. Just to drive home our point."

The assembled company stared in flat disbelief at Jiraiya, who blinked. "It's been a long time since I pitched battle," he defended, "You can't blame me for wanting to catch up."

Plans of action were considered, rejected, reconsidered, rejected, thought of in a revolutionary new way, rejected one last time for luck, adapted to fit the situation better and finally adopted.

"We should have a war cry," enthused Jiraiya, but he was ignored by all except Haku, who spent a futile fifteen minutes explaining the disadvantages of a war cry during a stealth operation.

They made their way inside god only knows how, but upon breaching the inner building they left a sentry at each level, just in case. First to fall back was Naruto, who was thought to be young and stupid and quickest on his feet. Then they left Haku, who had a good head on his pretty shoulders and whom they trusted to offset anything particularly foolish Naruto might do. Next they positioned Jiraiya, who was just a liability, and then they dropped Minato, whose height had never really stopped pissing Zabuza off. Finally, Suigetsu, Kakashi, Sasuke and Zabuza himself slipped one after the other into the faux King's chambers.

Hiashi was on his balcony, watching the cloudless sky. The moon was a big vertical smile in one corner of his view, innumerable stars winking down at him. In true cool-villain style, he smiled a sinister smile and turned to face his foes.

"I was wondering when you'd get here," he said silkily.

"The hell you were," Suigetsu snorted, "I got your letter from Sasuke, asshole. You weren't expecting us for a while."

"Well, yes," Hiashi conceded, "But _'ooh, damn, I'm not dressed for company!' _is not a very poignant dialogue, is it?"

"It's not a cliché, at least," pointed out Zabuza.

They all considered the merit of that point, and admired its pointy sharpness. Then they returned to what they were doing.

"What were we doing again?" Kakashi questioned the air.

"Pontificating," the air failed to reply. "Rather badly," it declined to add.

"Right," Suigetsu said, pointing his sword at Hiashi, "On the floor, you!"

"What? Why?"

"So that I can skewer you; now submit unto my murderous whims!"

Hiashi noticed Sasuke. "What the hell," he declared, "I want to know what happened to my plan before I die. You _**must **_tell me."

"And why should we do that?" Kakashi asked.

"Dying man's wish?" Hiashi ventured.

"Stalling game," Zabuza said dismissively, "Sui, do your thing, bro."

Suigetsu menaced the usurper. The usurper didn't bother reciprocating the gesture. He drew a sickle (as in from his robe as opposed to on a canvas) and lunged for Suigetsu's throat with a speed that shrugged off his years like a cumbersome cloak. The younger boy, taken aback, lost the upper hand; he changed the course of his sword to stop the sickle from reaching him.

"Don't interfere, nii-san, this is my battle!"  
"I wasn't gonna, you little shit," Zabuza yelled because yelling is an appropriate response to a dumb command by your kid brother as he's attacked by a man your father's age. Kakashi shifted his weight from foot to foot, uneasy. Hiashi grunted, pulled away, went under Suigetsu's sword swing to knock him off balance. The ploy worked: Suigetsu fell heavily and Hiashi was upon him in a flash. But Suigetsu kneed him in the back and rolled away, scrambling up with a ready sword. Hiashi drove him back with his sickle, towards the door. Zabuza and Kakashi followed.

Suigetsu shoved the Hyuuga against a bureau; more than the boy's offense it hurt Hiashi to have the ornate carvings dig into his back. He struggled to bring his weapon up, and then there was a knock at the door, followed by a sweet, soft voice.

"Otou-sama? May I come in?"

Panic bled into Hiashi's eyes. Suigetsu grinned a wicked grin and grabbed Hinata as she came in, his sword at her throat.

Zabuza raised his eyebrows to his hairline. "Oh, so I'm not allowed to interfere because it's your battle, but using his daughter as his shield is alright?"

"It's his fault he raised a daughter who comes in without being told to," Suigetsu reasoned, "Besides, the old coot is stronger than I have the energy to face this late at night after struggling through an entire fuckin' desert. Hands up, you bastard!"

Hinata had fainted (proven to be the most useful response to stressful situations young princesses will face; you can't say something stupidly insipid if you're out cold) and Suigetsu supported her full (unremarkable) weight as he bullied her father into walking backwards out the door and into the corridor.

Where a patently inconveniently placed Haku was set upon by Hiashi and taken captive, his sickle pressed against the boy's throat.

The brown eyes glazed over as he looked at Hinata in Suigetsu's arms and a monotone issued, "I want you all to know that I'm not the one forced to bear the abject humiliation of being the captured piece because I am in any way more feminine or vulnerable than the rest of you. It's because I was in the right place at the wrong time. Also, Hiashi Hyuuga is really fast for a geezer. I repeat: I can defend myself just as well as you. Only I look prettier when I'm doing it."

"What the hell, Haku!?" Zabuza cried in exasperation, "We almost had the old fucktard!"

"Hey, you know what," Hiashi said crossly, "I'm not _**that **_old."

"I was only coming to tell you that Tsunade's here," Haku said resentfully, "You don't have to be so mean, Zabuza."

"You're right," Zabuza said, "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Um," Haku blinked, "Alright."

"Fuck this shit," Suigetsu said, "It's a standoff."

"Nuh-uh," Hiashi said, "I have Neji."

"No, I put him to sleep on my way here," Haku quipped.

"The guards!" Hiashi clung.

"Hardly a match for Jiraiya. He was complaining that they don't make them nearly as tough these days."

"Hey," Suigetsu said, stung, "_**I **_trained those guards."

Haku gave a Fuck Man Do I Look like I Care shrug, and the tension cranked up a notch.

They mulled it all over for a while until the tension went stale with excitement, and then a loud crash happened.

"Five bucks says that's Jiraiya getting his head bashed in for trying to hit on Tsunade," Zabuza said.

"I'll take that bet. She likes to go for the balls, not the head," Kakashi said. "Bitter experience. Don't ask."

"I think it's kind of self-explanatory."

"Hanabi!" Hiashi shouted in triumph.

"Who?" Kakashi asked.

"Me," his younger daughter told him and the next thing they knew the Copy Nin was lying on the ground in a cold daze.

"Who's next?" the vicious little girl snarled, "You, with the bandages," she beckoned to Zabuza, "You look like you're trying to threaten my family."

"More than the guy holding your sister hostage?"

"God damn it, nii-san!" Suigetsu shoved Hinata away to launch himself at Hanabi. They met in a snarl of blade against blade and tough stances. Zabuza held Hinata gently as she came to her senses.

"Are you alright?" he asked her.

"Hey," Haku yelled, "Is she a hostage or what? Stop being so nice to her!"

"Jealous?" Zabuza pondered, peering at the boy.

"You wish!"

"Yes, I do," Zabuza sighed, and addressed Hinata as he pulled a dagger out from his shirt, "I'm sorry about this. All's fair in love and war, you know."

Hanabi whirled on him, and Kakashi (now revived with an even sloppier hair-do! Third knife sold separately) stopped her with his own brand of princess-stopping power. Suigetsu attacked her from the back—

"Cowards!" Hiashi screamed as his younger daughter went down under their combined attack, "Filthy, mud-eating dog-fucking _**cowards, **_you wouldn't have harmed a hair on her head in fair battle—"

"You should be proud of having raised such a talented girl," Haku said, and stamped his foot hard. The traitor bawled in pain as the nimble boy snatched his sickle out of his hands, putting it at his neck.

"Now," he said, "Let's get this unsavory bit about killing you over with."

"I don't think so," a new voice said behind him, and Neji pulled him away from his uncle.

The battle froze for a bit again: Zabuza had Hinata, Suigetsu and Kakashi had Hanabi. But Hiashi and Neji had Haku. The hell was this?

"I poked a needle into your ear when I was coming upstairs," Haku said accusingly to Neji, "You shouldn't be up!"

"You'd think."

Well, Neji had knowledge of pressure points too, and made a _**point **_(hah pun) to acupuncture himself invulnerable before bed every night. Looks like the paranoia had paid off, but he wasn't gonna tell Haku that.

"This is taking forever," Suigetsu groused.

"Where's Sasuke?" Zabuza looked around.

"There," Kakashi nodded to the far end of the corridor where the dazed Prince was coming up a flight of stairs. Behind him rumbled the sound of Tsunade, followed, presumably, by Jiraiya, Minato, and his son.

"Reinforcements," Suigetsu said wonderingly like the idea was a radically new one to him.

(Stupid boy. But let's not get judgmental at the end, a'ight?)

"So," Tsunade drawled as they stared, struck stupid by her appearance, by the bright blue fire crackling at her fingertips, "You made a mess for me to clean up, boys?"

"What a witheringly superior bitch," Zabuza muttered loathingly to Kakashi.

"What a witheringly superior bitch," Jiraiya crooned adoringly to Minato.

"What the hell?" Hiashi said, and then the witch took his family out like a light. He screamed, "What the hell!" and she raised him with one fist against a wall.

"You put a spell on Uchiha Sasuke," she boomed, "You will undo it. You will return him his kingdom and accept whatever penalties he besets you. You will do all this, or I'll fuck your daughters so bad they will _**die.**_"

"Yes—yes, ma'am," he gasped out, and stumbled towards Sasuke, muttering words under his breath. At the end of the sixteenth syllable he pressed a thumb to Sasuke's forehead, and a _whoosh _of power left him and enveloped the Prince: Sasuke's will.

Suigetsu released a breath he'd been holding in a long sigh of suppressed love. Sasuke's big black eyes rested on the fair haired boy. A carefully constructed smirk uncurled on his lips, and he launched himself at his lover. They screamed, they laughed, they kissed and they generally embarrassed the hell out of everyone else.

"Settle down!" Tsunade yelled when she'd had enough. They broke apart, looking sheepish, and then Sasuke composed himself. With exaggerated dignity he walked to where his uncle stood with his cousins. Hiashi couldn't meet his eyes; Sasuke put a finger under his chin and lifted his face.

"You killed my father."

"Yes."

"You would've killed me."

"Um, yes."

"You would've taken my kingdom, my people."  
"Listen, this is getting uncomfortable. Can't we just talk this over and move on? Family feuds happen!"

Sasuke surveyed him with majesty. "Hinata, Hanabi and Neji will stay by my side. You are free to go wherever you wish, do whatever you want—within the boundaries of my kingdom, within the law set down by me. You will be followed for life by a member of my personal guard: you remember how difficult they are to shake off, Uncle. If you ever come within a mile of this city again, you will be killed with no further ado. Understood?"

Did Hiashi have a choice? Hardly.

"What a witheringly superior bastard," Suigetsu sighed happily to Haku.

"Question," Naruto said.

"Shoot," Sasuke said.

"If he's your uncle as in father's brother, why is his surname different from yours?"

"Matrilineal naming."

"Hardcore."

"Shut up," Sasuke suggested, and they disbanded to have a happy ending.

000

Haku and Zabuza were taking a walk.

"Back at the fight," the boy began, his great compassionate eyes on the bandaged ninja, "When you were being nice to Hinata. I yelled and you were like, 'jealous?' and I was like, 'you wish!' and you were like, 'yes, I do'."

"Mmyep."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Zabuza turned to him. "I'd be a coward if I didn't tell you now. Haku, I've got the flaming hots for you."

"How romantic."

The man grinned, all shark teeth and irascible personality. "You want a rose to go with it?"

Haku leaned into Zabuza. "Whatever. I'd just like to say. Your feelings? Duly noted and wholly reciprocated."

The unconventional acceptance of the uncouth confession nonplussed Zabuza. Then he figured it _**was **_an acceptance and Haku found himself being roundly molested by the urgent kisses of a smelly tart.

Weird part was? He totally loved it.

000

There was a reunion with the Momochi parents. It was tearful and happy and uninteresting.

000

Kisame showed up. They were like, 'motherfucker! What the hell is wrong with you!? The fucking treasure is a fucking shit! Ow—I mean boy! He's Haku, and he's Zabuza's boyfriend, and what the hell are we supposed to do _**now **_dammit you motherfucker—wait, did I call you that already?'

So then he was like, 'yes.'

It was very solemn.

It was decided that Haku would have to find Sasori, because Kisame could only do so much awesome shit. Zabuza would go with him for nookie (moral support. Moral support!). He kinda glanced sidelong at Suigetsu, but Sasuke tightened his grip on his hand.

"Sorry bro. You understand."

Haku tightened his grip on Zabuza's hand. The man beamed at his brother.

"Only too well, kid."

000

At the parting of ways, Suigetsu pulled his brother aside.

"Hey," Haku said, "Why are you pulling him aside?"

"Brothers have shit to discuss, pretty boy. Leave us alone."

Sasuke gave Haku a Yeah My Boyfriend's an Ass But I am Too and Not Entirely Apologetic look. Haku gave Sasuke a Wow You Have Eloquent Eyes look.

All this, and no dialogue.

Suigetsu appraised his brother. "You spent all these years trying to get home. Don't you…like, wanna stay here?"

Zabuza looked back at Haku. "You'd think, right?"

Suigetsu hugged the man. "Home is where the heart is, huh?"

"What, are we in a dairy farm? What's all this cheese doing flowing over my feet?"  
"Shut up, nii-san."

"Good bye, otouto."

They returned to the farewell party. Naruto shouldered a rucksack and beamed at Haku. Zabuza cast around for a weapon, and Kisame thrust the beheading sword at him.

"The hell?"

"You can ask questions, or you can keep the sword."

They were heading out because to find Sasori, they had to find Deidara first. He was the only lead they had. Suigetsu told them where the blond had lived (he remembered the long days of stalking—wooing—him) and from there they saw that the bomber's trail led to the land of Sound.

"Curiouser and curiouser." Kakashi said before he and Jiraiya's fan club departed. Naruto stayed behind.

"Traveling with your dad all the time gets old. Can I come with you for an adventure?"

Zabuza said sure, because Naruto was shorter than him.

Then Momochi Zabuza, along with his treasure and his ex-classmate's fellow fan club member's son, faced the horizon.

To another story.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Arrivederci is Italian for goodbye, as some of you might know. It's an inside joke—not between Liah and I—and somehow it seemed to fit. **

**The plot bunny for this oneshot was especially vicious. What was meant to be a simple fluffy piece became full fledged fuck-up of a fairy tale. **

**Oh, and can I say that having written this? I am thoroughly fed up with the word 'treasure' for which there should be a lot more synonyms. **


End file.
